Being Adopted | Do You Ever Think About Going “Home?”
If you haven’t been keeping up, I have been writing a series of posts talking about my adoption. I really think this has been therapeutic for me as I process what being adopted means to me. Now that I am an adult, I can fully grasp and understand the deep and life changing effect adoption has on my life and the life of my children. And in writing these series of posts, I hope to maybe touch those looking to adopt, are adopted, or are just affected by adoption. So one of the many questions I receive over and over is “Do You Ever Think About Going Home?”
Korea certainly has been on my mind ever since I could remember. For those who don’t know, I come from Seoul, South Korea originally. It’s a place that I think about a lot. I’ve done numerous book reports about the country, the culture, the people. I’ve written down agendas of places I want to visit and things I want to do. Things I want to bring back with me (um, the beautiful gowns!) and who I would want to take. I’ve dreamed of studying abroad and staying there for months. But since I became an adult, that amazing “happy state” of visiting my home country has changed.
Having no “family history” to call my own, it’s been tough to grow up not really knowing what my life could have been like at the “home” I never knew. While going “home” certainly has a meaning for and still is a hope for my lifetime, I think Korea holds more of a dream life and a “what if” frame of mind that now brings mixed feelings. Would I want to see a potential “house” I would have lived in? Or a orphanage that is similar to where I stayed? Would I get overly frustrated attempting to speak the language? Or embarrassed that I unknowingly offend someone?
As an adult who still has never visited my home country, it certainly is on my bucket list, but more for my children than for me. I think it’s so important for my children to see and understand their heritage and culture. I want them to grasp a piece of family history that I never had. Even just a glimpse at the richness of Korea in the people, the hustle and bustle, the city lights….I think it would be life changing for them, and for me.
Today, I do still think about visiting, but from a different perspective. I worry about the DMZ line and political uprising. I worry about the safety of my “white” husband and my children if we were to go. I worry about my children being old enough to really grasp Korea and fully appreciate the experience. I worry about the cost and the plane ride, pirates, and lots of other factors. But most of all I worry about my own disappointment. I don’t want to walk away from my home country feeling disappointed in what I see, what my expectations are, what hopes I still have for my children and future generations.
It’s amazing how your perspective on adoption changes so much from childhood to adulthood. Going “Home” is one of those tough questions I am still working through, but in the meantime, I’m working on a little fund to get our family there one day.
Are you adopted too? Do you ever think about going home?
Want to learn more about my adoption story? You can read the first post in this series “Do You Want to Meet Your Birth Parents” as I ramble about why adoption is a huge part of my life.