What Depression Really Looks Like
Photo by Ella Lu Photography
A picture is worth a 1,000 words – is it really? This picture was taken just a few weeks ago. It is full of words – confidence, happiness, hope. But if you look closer, you’d realize that this picture is full of lies. I am sick, really sick.
I’m depressed. There, I said it.
I have been battling with depression for a few months, and to be honest I feel at the end of my “mental” rope. With the holidays here, the painful reminders of this world only seem to focus, hone and exponentially grow my deep feelings of sadness. I can’t shake it. I am fearfully hitting publish today – exposing my true self to the world. Depression is NOT what you think it is. It can look completely – normal.
Writing is my therapy. I’ve always been told that I have a way with words…that is when I write them down. But why should Christie be writing about depression? I have everything going for me. A beautiful and healthy family, a successful small business, blessings a-bounding – I should be at the prime of my life. And yet I can’t help it. I’m in a downward spiral of depression. Hiding behind the mask of the internet – a blogger, mom, daughter, friend. I am not what I appear to be. What does my depression “look” like? A hot mess of twisted emotions.
A Happy Face
The world of social media can easily portray the life you want to show. I can quickly take a picture that looks like a woman that is happy with herself, her life, and her world. And as soon as the button is clicked, my mood can instantly shift.
I am a liar.
The happy life that’s portrayed on social media? It’s only a small snapshot what I want the world to see. I don’t post the pictures of me lying in bed in the fetal position, too scared to move. I don’t post the video of me crying for hours. I don’t Boomerang the latest fight I had with my husband, that I instigated. I close the doors on what my “real life” looks like. So I open a small window into what “could be” a normal mom and her busy yet amazing life. Because no one wants to see a sad life.
A Shy, Quiet Personality
It’s easy to hide your secrets, your fears, and your overwhelming feeling of sadness behind a facade of a timid personality. I tend to blend into the background. I HATE being the center of attention. I struggle with pictures of myself on the internet (ironic, huh?), talking about myself or even being in a crowded room. Strangers intimidate me. Events give me anxiety. And I always have to pep talk myself before stepping out in public. But online, I’m full of energy. I have followers – people that look forward to my posts of silly kids and real mom-life moments. It’s a perception of confidence, humor, and a light-hearted look at life that people crave.
I am afraid.
I’ve been hurt this year – so much so that I have closed myself off from the world. A few friendships have ended this year. And at age 30-something, I find it so difficult to make “new” friends. Maybe it’s because now I’m an adult – with too many expectations, too many desires for a friendship that doesn’t have strings attached or a hidden agenda. Maybe I’m just a terrible friend. But at this point, I don’t even have a desire to try. I don’t want the world to get to know me – I don’t want to open my heart and my life to someone new, only to have it crushed yet again. Keep everyone at arm’s length. Give off the impression that things are great. Nod, smile, converse about the weather, and brief hugs of assurance that I am OK. Then turn around and leave.
A Good Mom
“You’re a good mom.” I have good kids. They’re beautiful, kind, loving and I love being their mom. What you don’t see? How short my temper is with my kids. I’m yelling more – and for no apparent reason. I’m crying often – overwhelmed with my “usual” mom duties. My house is a mess – more than expected. My organized, multi-tasking, stay-at-home mom self is crumbling under the weight of sports and clubs and dance and carpooling. Depression has a way of seeping into everyday life, making everything a struggle – like showering and brushing my teeth.
I am a failure.
I had a miscarriage this year. I didn’t tell many people, mostly because of how ashamed I felt as a mom – the person who is supposed to love, protect and cherish their children with all of their heart and might. I let this child down. I failed as a parent. And now, the child that I didn’t even realize that I had wanted so desperately, is gone. A good mom? I feel nothing but a deep sadness as a mom who will never be what I should have been to this one beautiful child.
A Successful Businesswoman
I’m my own boss. I make my own hours. I’ve built my blog from the ground up. I’m on track for the most profitable year ever. I’ve traveled the country. I’ve met celebrities, world-changers, inspiring people. I’ve been involved with some crazy campaigns – putting my face (even my butt) at the forefront – pushing myself out of my comfort zone, reaching goals and setting higher ones.
I am alone.
I’m so stressed and overworked – but yet I find myself burying my head deeper into my blog. I can do more. I can be more. I can find success and happiness and love – if I just push myself harder. I can forget this world and the terrible pains that I feel if I just focus more. I am a work-aholic to the core, trying to stay busy so as to push the feeling of loneliness away. But hiding behind a thriving blog only covers the harsh truth – goals are nothing without people to share them with.
A Beautiful, Healthy, Happy Family
Remember that alone thing? That spills over into family life too. I thrive on hard work – so much so that it’s at the sacrifice of my family. I push them away – turning down snuggles, movie nights and family memories in favor of to-do lists. Why pour emotion, communication and love when I can deal with cold emails, calculated responses and a hidden mask of the internet. I don’t have feel. I just have to focus.
I have a broken home.
My husband worries about me all of the time – so much so that his own health is deteriorating. My kids see me cry – too often, not knowing how to react. I’m yelling one moment, sobbing on the floor the next. A constant war going on in my head – emotions spiraling out of control. Fearful of what damage I’m doing to the people I love the most, I shut myself out from them, telling myself that it’s safer for them not to be around me. I won’t hurt them that way. I’ve spent so much time away from the people I love, that it feels like I’ve forgotten how to just be with them. That portrait of a loving family? I miss it.
A Confident Woman
Head held high. The latest style. Blow dried hair. Makeup on. Don’t forget that selfie smile. Blogger life – yup. I have a confident look for every occasion. No matter what costume I wear, it will never give me enough confidence.
My faith has been shaken.
I am no longer the strong, faithful woman that my friends rely on. I’m seeking God and faith and answers – no longer giving off the impression that I have any of those things. I’m pouring into books, fervently praying, and asking God “why?” I am anxiously waiting for whatever this next chapter of my life will be. Will there be a happily ever after? I know that I am loved, yet I question the conditions. I know that heaven exists, but I question if I’ll ever be able to get there. I know that Jesus is my Savior, but can He save me from myself? “What is Your plan for me?!” My prayers are so angry, so desperate.
Before You Shake Your Judgemental Fingers at Me…
Let me say this right now. I didn’t write this post hoping for answers. I didn’t write this hoping for your pity. But for those out there this holiday season struggling with the same things I am, I want YOU to know that you are not alone. Depression is 100% real – it’s a debilitating illness that holds you prisoner – and it seems to be so much more suffocating during the holidays. And while I may have my back up against the wall, I’m also holding your hand. I know that what you’re going through is unbearable at times – the sadness wreaking havoc on your soul. You wonder if you can ever get out – if you can ever be the person you were. But I want you to know that I love you – just as you are. We are all broken people. It’s just that today there are more pieces scattered than usual.
The point? Depression can look like ANYTHING. We give off the perception that we want the world to see, even if it feels hopeless inside. I don’t have the answers. I know that I need to change, but feel paralyzed at times. I know that I need help, but I have trouble asking for it. I know I have demons, but I don’t know how to fight them. I know that I need to be in the world, but I have trouble taking the steps. I’m afraid of what hitting publish on this blog post will do from this day forward. But I did it. Therapy? Yes. Life-changing? Hopefully. Either way, it’s a step forward.
Please, I beg you all to be more aware of those struggling this holiday season. Depression may be right under your nose, and you don’t even realize it. Listen. Be there. Love.
If you’re depressed today, please know that I am with you. I feel you. I understand you. You are NOT alone.
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Kate D. says
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I get your newsletter via email and always admired how everything you did seemed so flawless and wonderful – but that right there is the illusion that depression casts on your life, right?
I was diagnosed with severe depression when I was admitted to an inpatient facility 18 months ago after a suicide attempt.
Depression is an insidious disease – it can creep up on you, and can disguise itself as so many other ailments. But it can also be as deadly as any other disease there is.
I hope that you can get the help you need – and help is out there!
I wish you a path to healing. You have already taken the first (and hardest) step – talking about your depression, and giving it a name and a face. I have found that giving the monster a name and bringing it into the light is the best way to defeat it.
I hope you realize that by talking about your depression, you may have saved someone’s life? The more we all talk about it, the more we talk about what depression REALLY looks like, the more we shine a spotlight on it, then depression can be recognized for what it is: a disease, not something anyone should be ashamed to admit to having.
christie says
Thank you for sharing your journey, Kate. It’s been so scary and yet so empowering to really put myself out there.
Lissa Crane says
This is such a powerful message to share and pass along! You are so brave and a hero of sorts by helping so many others with your story! I am proud to be part of a blogging community that truly reaches out and helps lift others up! You should be applauded~we are with you!!
christie says
Thanks, Lissa. I definitely don’t pretend to be a hero, just an honest person that wants someone to feel like they are not alone in this. Here’s hoping that this post can inspire!
Lori Williams says
Thank you for sharing and being transparent. It is so wonderful to read a blog from someone who is open and honest about their life, and in particular, depression. I have been struggling with depression for about 4 years now. This year has been extremely hard because of so many trials my family has been going through. I have pretty much cut myself off from the world and don’t even want to go outside any more. My husband is very worried about me, and like your husband, it is causing his health to get worse, as he has diabetes and stress causes his blood sugar to be high. But I am with you when you say you just don’t know what to do. I can’t even think about going out. I don’t want to. My whole family is a mess and it’s all my fault. And there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing. Thank you again for sharing.
christie says
Lori, I pray this post gives you the encouragement to step outside. If I can share my scary story with the world, you can too. So many prayers for healing for you
Rhonda says
Thank you for sharing your post! You were very open, raw and honest. There are many people battling with depression and please know you are NOT alone. I am so sorry about your miscarriage. I love following your blog! You are a fantastic writer and I hope I get the opportunity to meet you someday IRL. The holidays always seem to be the worst for so many. Please don’t be ashamed to admit you have depression. It’s a disease that many are fighting. You are admitting you have it and that is the first step. You may never know who your post helped, but it definitely helped someone. I’m sending you virtual hugs and prayers. I hope during the holidays you can unplug for a few days and get to spend some time recharging yourself
christie says
Thank you, Rhonda. Hope we get to meet one day too
Jeanine says
Powerful. I honestly don’t know what else to say besides, hugs. Thank you for sharing your story.
christie says
Thanks for reading, Jeanine
RaNesha says
Thank you for sharing I admire your strength to write somethings I have been wanting to write.
christie says
Thank you, RaNesha. Hope this post inspires you to write it!
Adelina Priddis says
Depression sucks! I watched many of my family members struggle with it (still watch some of them), and I always thought to myself – I am so glad I don’t have that. Turns out, I did, but I hid it so well I didn’t even recognize it in myself. It’s come out so much stronger the last few years, and it hurts. I don’t know why. It shouldn’t hurt, I shouldn’t feel this way. My life is good…but yet it isn’t.
Thank you for sharing this, and being a voice for us all who struggle, and often feel there is no where to turn, or anyone who could understand what we are mentally fighting.
christie says
Thank you for sharing your struggles, Adelina
Tara says
Thank you for sharing such honest emotions. So often people keep this inside and that’s not healthy to do so. You are strong. I know that you will help others. You are stronger than you will ever know.
christie says
I hope so, Tara. Thanks for the encouraging words
abedabun dawn says
I am dealing with my own mess right now. It seems when I get to a point where I think it is ok to breathe, something cuts off my oxygen supply again. I keep telling myself… one day at a time…. one day at a time.
Sometimes I wonder what I done to upset God so much that he keeps punishing me.
christie says
Praying that you can weather the storm and the end result will be beautiful!
Nicky says
I applaud you for being so open Christie and putting this out there. I have postpartum depression with each of my 3 children. The last few years, I have struggled with severe anxiety and panic attacks. Like you I put on the happy face and show the world the editted version of what my life should look like. Holidays are tough for everyone, especially mothers as we have to be everything for everyone. Thank you so much for writing this. It’s what I needed today as I sit down to work, work, work.
christie says
Thank you, Nicky for being so transparent with your story
Dawn Cullo says
I feel the same why, this blog post sounds pretty much how I feel too. I have a blog post ready to go about what I’ve been going through as well – you are not alone – that’s for sure. Everyday is a new day to move forward.
christie says
Thank you, Dawn. I look forward to reading your post
melody hodge says
Im not the best with words so I wont write anything long but I want you to know as a follower of your blog, that you have to know that you too are not alone. I dont think I’ve ever read anything so heart felt in my life. I have ptsd and suffer from depression often so I can relate on that. The tears ran down my face as you described what you feel. I had to bow my head and pray for you and your family. Thank you for being open about your depression and wanting to help others that go through it as well.
christie says
Thank you, Melody for reading and sharing your story too. I’m so touched by your words
Barrie says
Thank you for sharing your feeling and thoughts in a post that I know wasn’t easy to publish! Look at all this outpouring of love and understanding…so many people know and understand depression. Losing a child is one of the most difficult things to live through, hubby and have one amazing daughter but I’ve been pregnant 4 times. I hope therapy, writing and support bring you an easier 2017.
christie says
Thank you, Barrie. So sorry to see miscarriage affecting so many, including yourself.
Tamra Phelps says
When I saw the beginning of this post in the newsletter, I knew I had to say something. (And I am so glad to see all the other comments.) First, you are definitely not alone. I have been clinically depressed in my life—& I don’t know if this helps, but you can get through it. You will eventually come out the other side. (This time of year gets to me a little, still, because several bad things happened in my past around this time of year, but I can shake it off, usually. Of course, that was not always the case.) A saying I like: Just because you’re struggling, doesn’t mean you’re failing.–so true! It means you’re TRYING & very likely, without knowing it, slowly succeeding, getting through. –Most of all, please know you DO NOT HAVE TO HIDE ANYTHING! Be yourself. Share it if it might help! I hope you find what you need to ease your mind & your soul!
christie says
Thanks so much, Tamra.
Kitty Kad says
You are so brave for writing this and your words touched me. I wish I could hug you and tell you not to worry, that every thing is going to be okay, but that probably wouldn’t help anyways. I’ve been where you are. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you are most certainly not alone. ((HUGS)) Thank you for sharing so honestly with us.
christie says
Thanks so much for the encouragement, Kitty.
Donna K says
I am sorry for your loss. Please, see your doctor for an antidepressant. You will feel so much better! You are worth it!
christie says
Not sure I can do drugs yet, but thanks for the advice.
Bernadette of Mom+Carrot says
Last year at Christmas I let everyone know that I was pregnant with my 2nd child, one month later I had a miscarriage. It was one of the hardest things I have ever been through, both physically and emotionally. I feel like I am still trying to recover. I beat myself up way too much. My depression has manifested itself in eating too much and gaining weight which makes me dislike myself even more. It is a vicious cycle that I am trying so hard to break. I try to forgive myself every day. It is hard, but I know that it is the best thing I can do. One day I will get there…Try and forgive yourself this holiday season, forgive yourself everyday until you believe it.
(I am also a blogger. Thank you for the reminder not to get lost in or hide behind the work as it comes at the cost of my family. Such a great warning!)
christie says
I completely understand, Bernadette. I would be devastated too. Praying for healing for you too this season.
Edye says
Hello Christie!
I’ve been reading your blog for almost a year and just wanted to say that I loved reading this post. You’re so brave to share your story. Praying 2017 brings bright rays of happiness into your days <3
christie says
Edye thanks for following along our family’s journey for the past year and letting me know that you read this post. Praying it brings some hope and understanding to many
Tina Alexander says
This article is so refreshing! People tend to hide or downplay depression, it’s given a suck it up solution by those that don’t understand what it truly is. Thanks for being a source of knowledge and understanding.
christie says
Tina, I agree. It’s not so easy just to act happy to be happy
Sindy says
I am almost 50 and going through menopause. Hormonal imbalance (too much estrogen) and daily fluctuations in levels can wreak havoc on my normal state of mind. What you are going through is also very common at my stage of life. Women go through so many hormonal fluctuations through the coarse of their lives but nobody really talks about it! I remember when I had a miscarriage about 10 years ago which sent my hormones and emotions on a roller coaster ride at that time too. It manifested not only emotionally but also physically (night sweats, short-term hypothyroidism). It took a good two years for my symptoms to subside and my hormones to balance out again. Be gentle with yourself at this time, take your vitamins and see if you are deficient in anything, go for walks/exercise/yoga, and practice some form of mental relaxation. You may want to talk to your obgyn and get your hormone levels tested, and look for ways to start to achieve hormonal balance slowly.
christie says
Thanks, Sindy for the advice. Hoping you find your balance too