What Depression Really Looks Like
Photo by Ella Lu Photography
A picture is worth a 1,000 words – is it really? This picture was taken just a few weeks ago. It is full of words – confidence, happiness, hope. But if you look closer, you’d realize that this picture is full of lies. I am sick, really sick.
I’m depressed. There, I said it.
I have been battling with depression for a few months, and to be honest I feel at the end of my “mental” rope. With the holidays here, the painful reminders of this world only seem to focus, hone and exponentially grow my deep feelings of sadness. I can’t shake it. I am fearfully hitting publish today – exposing my true self to the world. Depression is NOT what you think it is. It can look completely – normal.
Writing is my therapy. I’ve always been told that I have a way with words…that is when I write them down. But why should Christie be writing about depression? I have everything going for me. A beautiful and healthy family, a successful small business, blessings a-bounding – I should be at the prime of my life. And yet I can’t help it. I’m in a downward spiral of depression. Hiding behind the mask of the internet – a blogger, mom, daughter, friend. I am not what I appear to be. What does my depression “look” like? A hot mess of twisted emotions.
A Happy Face
The world of social media can easily portray the life you want to show. I can quickly take a picture that looks like a woman that is happy with herself, her life, and her world. And as soon as the button is clicked, my mood can instantly shift.
I am a liar.
The happy life that’s portrayed on social media? It’s only a small snapshot what I want the world to see. I don’t post the pictures of me lying in bed in the fetal position, too scared to move. I don’t post the video of me crying for hours. I don’t Boomerang the latest fight I had with my husband, that I instigated. I close the doors on what my “real life” looks like. So I open a small window into what “could be” a normal mom and her busy yet amazing life. Because no one wants to see a sad life.
A Shy, Quiet Personality
It’s easy to hide your secrets, your fears, and your overwhelming feeling of sadness behind a facade of a timid personality. I tend to blend into the background. I HATE being the center of attention. I struggle with pictures of myself on the internet (ironic, huh?), talking about myself or even being in a crowded room. Strangers intimidate me. Events give me anxiety. And I always have to pep talk myself before stepping out in public. But online, I’m full of energy. I have followers – people that look forward to my posts of silly kids and real mom-life moments. It’s a perception of confidence, humor, and a light-hearted look at life that people crave.
I am afraid.
I’ve been hurt this year – so much so that I have closed myself off from the world. A few friendships have ended this year. And at age 30-something, I find it so difficult to make “new” friends. Maybe it’s because now I’m an adult – with too many expectations, too many desires for a friendship that doesn’t have strings attached or a hidden agenda. Maybe I’m just a terrible friend. But at this point, I don’t even have a desire to try. I don’t want the world to get to know me – I don’t want to open my heart and my life to someone new, only to have it crushed yet again. Keep everyone at arm’s length. Give off the impression that things are great. Nod, smile, converse about the weather, and brief hugs of assurance that I am OK. Then turn around and leave.
A Good Mom
“You’re a good mom.” I have good kids. They’re beautiful, kind, loving and I love being their mom. What you don’t see? How short my temper is with my kids. I’m yelling more – and for no apparent reason. I’m crying often – overwhelmed with my “usual” mom duties. My house is a mess – more than expected. My organized, multi-tasking, stay-at-home mom self is crumbling under the weight of sports and clubs and dance and carpooling. Depression has a way of seeping into everyday life, making everything a struggle – like showering and brushing my teeth.
I am a failure.
I had a miscarriage this year. I didn’t tell many people, mostly because of how ashamed I felt as a mom – the person who is supposed to love, protect and cherish their children with all of their heart and might. I let this child down. I failed as a parent. And now, the child that I didn’t even realize that I had wanted so desperately, is gone. A good mom? I feel nothing but a deep sadness as a mom who will never be what I should have been to this one beautiful child.
A Successful Businesswoman
I’m my own boss. I make my own hours. I’ve built my blog from the ground up. I’m on track for the most profitable year ever. I’ve traveled the country. I’ve met celebrities, world-changers, inspiring people. I’ve been involved with some crazy campaigns – putting my face (even my butt) at the forefront – pushing myself out of my comfort zone, reaching goals and setting higher ones.
I am alone.
I’m so stressed and overworked – but yet I find myself burying my head deeper into my blog. I can do more. I can be more. I can find success and happiness and love – if I just push myself harder. I can forget this world and the terrible pains that I feel if I just focus more. I am a work-aholic to the core, trying to stay busy so as to push the feeling of loneliness away. But hiding behind a thriving blog only covers the harsh truth – goals are nothing without people to share them with.
A Beautiful, Healthy, Happy Family
Remember that alone thing? That spills over into family life too. I thrive on hard work – so much so that it’s at the sacrifice of my family. I push them away – turning down snuggles, movie nights and family memories in favor of to-do lists. Why pour emotion, communication and love when I can deal with cold emails, calculated responses and a hidden mask of the internet. I don’t have feel. I just have to focus.
I have a broken home.
My husband worries about me all of the time – so much so that his own health is deteriorating. My kids see me cry – too often, not knowing how to react. I’m yelling one moment, sobbing on the floor the next. A constant war going on in my head – emotions spiraling out of control. Fearful of what damage I’m doing to the people I love the most, I shut myself out from them, telling myself that it’s safer for them not to be around me. I won’t hurt them that way. I’ve spent so much time away from the people I love, that it feels like I’ve forgotten how to just be with them. That portrait of a loving family? I miss it.
A Confident Woman
Head held high. The latest style. Blow dried hair. Makeup on. Don’t forget that selfie smile. Blogger life – yup. I have a confident look for every occasion. No matter what costume I wear, it will never give me enough confidence.
My faith has been shaken.
I am no longer the strong, faithful woman that my friends rely on. I’m seeking God and faith and answers – no longer giving off the impression that I have any of those things. I’m pouring into books, fervently praying, and asking God “why?” I am anxiously waiting for whatever this next chapter of my life will be. Will there be a happily ever after? I know that I am loved, yet I question the conditions. I know that heaven exists, but I question if I’ll ever be able to get there. I know that Jesus is my Savior, but can He save me from myself? “What is Your plan for me?!” My prayers are so angry, so desperate.
Before You Shake Your Judgemental Fingers at Me…
Let me say this right now. I didn’t write this post hoping for answers. I didn’t write this hoping for your pity. But for those out there this holiday season struggling with the same things I am, I want YOU to know that you are not alone. Depression is 100% real – it’s a debilitating illness that holds you prisoner – and it seems to be so much more suffocating during the holidays. And while I may have my back up against the wall, I’m also holding your hand. I know that what you’re going through is unbearable at times – the sadness wreaking havoc on your soul. You wonder if you can ever get out – if you can ever be the person you were. But I want you to know that I love you – just as you are. We are all broken people. It’s just that today there are more pieces scattered than usual.
The point? Depression can look like ANYTHING. We give off the perception that we want the world to see, even if it feels hopeless inside. I don’t have the answers. I know that I need to change, but feel paralyzed at times. I know that I need help, but I have trouble asking for it. I know I have demons, but I don’t know how to fight them. I know that I need to be in the world, but I have trouble taking the steps. I’m afraid of what hitting publish on this blog post will do from this day forward. But I did it. Therapy? Yes. Life-changing? Hopefully. Either way, it’s a step forward.
Please, I beg you all to be more aware of those struggling this holiday season. Depression may be right under your nose, and you don’t even realize it. Listen. Be there. Love.
If you’re depressed today, please know that I am with you. I feel you. I understand you. You are NOT alone.
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Jana Seitzer says
Thank you for taking the time to write this and sharing. As someone who’s battled depression in some form or another since high school, I get it. And most days, it doesn’t make sense. But, you are plenty strong and you have a great support system, and the fact that you can write this post? STRONG. Love you girl!
christie says
Thank you for being my friend…and for making sense of my “absolute nonsense”
me says
You’re so brave and I love you so much!
christie says
I love you too
Chanda Griese says
Thank you for sharing the reality of what you’re going through this season, Christie. Been within the dark cloud of depression myself after loses and infant shortly after birth, and I thought I would never be able to experience joy again. It wasn’t all at once, but, little by little, glimmers of God’s grace shined through and healed my broken heart. I pray the same for you.
christie says
Thanks for being in my life, Chanda
Amber Ludwig says
I love you for writing this!! Never forget that you are not alone either!! Being a Mom is one of the single handed most difficult jobs out there!! We somehow have to find how to be selfless while still remembering our self. Its hard and trying and really often leads to depression and anxiety in most. Im so sorry to hear about your miscarriage and you are not alone in that either. Sometimes I think that’s why my hubby doesn’t want another one, fear of trying again and feeling like we failed. This is such an important topic and you are absolutely amazing for sharing it!!
christie says
Thank you for reading and sharing your story with me. Praying for healing for you and your husband too
Brittany says
Ohmigoodness. You know what? I relate to so much of what you’ve shared. SO much. I’m not judging you even for a second. This was so incredibly raw and brave. I can’t wait to see you and give you a big hug because in writing this, I think it may provide some healing for you and for so many other people.
christie says
I hope to bring some small sense of comfort to the world. Can’t wait to finally meet in real life
Emilie says
What a raw, honest post! I do hope that you have a chance to take a bit of a break during the holiday season. I would have never guessed any of these things about you. I still remember you hijacking my phone at a restaurant when I went to the bathroom and coming back to a silly selfie from you at a General Mills event. You were so full of life. I’ve been watching you a bit from afar, loving the blogger you have become. Your posts on Instagram have been so fun, clever and total eye candy. (And I admit I’ve wondered why I can’t be funnier and more entertaining/interesting like you in my social media posts.) I’ve really admired your unique ideas and beautiful photography. I’m sorry to hear that you feel so alone. This is a very hard business and while amazing, it can be easy to feel shut in and take on too much work. I often am alone too. I *know* I need to reach out more to friends IRL but feel comfortable with my online friends instead so I stick with what is easy. I wish we lived closer as my friendship comes with no attachments. I would love to chat with you online if you are open to it. Wishing you a new year filled with all the happiness you deserve!
christie says
Thank you for following along after GM. Those were good times. Thanks so much for the kind words of encouragement. I look forward to staying connected
Victor A. says
Christie, thank you very much for sharing this. I was once a low point that I almost took my life. I decided that I wasn’t going to let my depression get the best of me and try to get by day by day. It’s very brave to put yourself out there like this and hopefully this will help others who might feel the same way.
christie says
Victor, let’s talk. So thankful to have met you at St. Jude
Victor says
Anytime!
Carol Jones says
You hit home for me. <3
christie says
<3 Thanks, Carol
Amy L says
Thank you for your bravery in sharing something so personal. I’ve battled depression for many years and I’ve found that, for me a big part of getting through it is just recognizing it and reminding my self that I’ve dealt with it before, and I can do it again. Deep tissue massages help me with the sluggish, achy feeling I get with depression. Also, this time of year my depression is worse due to the shorter days, so my doctor recommended a “SAD” light for “Seasonal Affective Disorder”, and it does help. I sit in front of it for 30 to 60 minutes in the morning. I’m sending good thoughts your way, and I hope you’re feeling better soon.
christie says
Thanks for the recommendations and sharing your story, Amy
courtney b says
this post really inspired me. coming from someone with severe depression you caught my feelings dead on. Thank you for such a great post 🙂
christie says
Thanks for reading and letting me know, Courtney
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting says
You are not battling alone, friend. ❤️
christie says
Thanks for the encouragement, Lisa
Debra says
Oh what you have done for so many by putting pen to paper (so to speak). I am so sorry to hear about the miscarriage…I know many many who struggle with depression and anxiety at all levels and just know that you’ve got a friend in me! 🙂 We love you!!
christie says
Thanks so much, Debra. Here’s hoping this post can change lives
Debra Holloway says
This article really lays it on the line about depression. I agree depression can afflict anyone. To often I have seen many people make excuses for their depression trying blow it off rather than seek treatment.
christie says
Thank you for reading, Debra. I hope this is a small step to recovery
Janis @mommyblogexpert says
Thanks for sharing your struggles with us. I haven’t met you IRL yet, but still hope to. Nevertheless, you may be surprised to know that so many of us feel the same way you do, practically identically. including me personally. I have been struggling with similar feelings of deep depression over the past several years as I try to redesign my blog which is in desperate need of an overall look.
Hoping your holidays and 2017 are filled with everything you need: good health, happiness and love all around you (not only your family and personal close friends but the rest of us in the mom blogosphere).
Thanks for inspiring us and helping us know that we, like you, are not alone in this challenge. We can get through this together by leaning on each other when the going gets rough.
christie says
Janis, thank you for reading and sharing your feelings with me. It’s amazing to know that so many bloggers can personally relate. I’m so glad to know that I’m not alone
Myrah Duque says
Depression is serious. MANY don’t get it, nor do they know HOW to deal with a love one who is suffering from depression. You are to be admired for taking this first step Christie. You ARE strong. You ARE one brave woman. Praying for healing. HUGS girl!
“If God brings you to it, He will lead you through it.” Suburbians 3:9
“God won’t give you more than you can handle.” 1 Memes 7:77
christie says
Thank you, Myrah! The verses are spot on
Audra says
I so identify with the distractions of blogging and all it entails to avoid other things. I’ve considered quitting many times because it takes so much of my attention and I never want it to take away from the whole reason I do it, my family. So brave of you to pull back the curtain to show what so many of us feel. I loved you immediately when I first saw your blog name, but even moreso now. I pray for healing and direction and recovery for you in the new year and beyond. Thank you for stepping out to share your story, Christie. This kind of transparency is what we all need ❤
christie says
Thank you for reading, Audra. It’s so comforting to know that other bloggers out there understand what I am going through
Paula says
I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing depression, yet not surprised since depression in its many forms is more common than most people know. I live with low-grade depression that I have had since a teen, and while it can be managed, it never goes away. For those who suffer, anything can be a trigger and hopefully they have the support they need. You don’t have to let depression take over your life. You are in charge and can still have a fulfilling life with depression. That being said, it is worth your time to discover physical and emotional causes of depression. Even medication for other illnesses can sometimes trigger depression. Seek out a physician’s care to search for physical causes, and find a counselor or psychologist to discuss issues. Medication for depression can be a godsend, but it is not the first resort. Hopefully, your depression is temporary once you find out what is the cause.
christie says
Thank you for sharing your journey and advice, Paula
Alicia says
Thank you for sharing your story. So many times bloggers just write about the good, fun stuff. I’ve stopped following so many because I fell they aren’t real. I hope you can find help for the depression you feel. You are helping others by sharing your story!
christie says
Thanks for reading, Alicia. It was scary to share the REAL me
Dawn Gnerer says
You are not alone Christie. I have personally had depression issues at many different times in my life and I have four girls who go through their own issues with depression in different ways. One daughter lost her first baby when he was two from undiagnosed illness and often says “maybe if I…” especially at this time of year. She to is a workaholic in attempts to alleviate the pain, but this is also at the expense of her two living boys. I have another daughter whose story sounds much like yours except for the miscarriage that I am sorry you had to go through. She is having a real struggle to find what will make her accept and enjoy her life and always putting on a false face to the public. I have a daughter who went through a bad divorce and lost custody of her two year old son to his father, a case based on all fabricated issues but founded on a judge who prospered from the father’s family. My youngest daughter has been feeling that she is a failure during this time as well, her son just turned three. His father tried to strangle her with the baby in her arms when he was barely a month old, luckily there were people there to help her. Despite this she eventually tried to repair the relationship for the baby but as they say “history often repeats itself” and he proved that he could not change. She has recently purchased her own home and is trying to make a happy life for her and her son but has run into so many bumps and walls along the way that she often says “mom, I am failing at being an adult, I am failing at being a parent, I just can’t do this.” (2 days ago was our latest conversation of this) I told her that she is not failing, to look at how far she has come, and how happy her son is with her. I have told her that we will always be her to help her whatever that help may be. Love and support from your family are the two most precious and important things to have during your bad times as well as the good times. Prayers for you, your husband and your children that you will all work through this and return to a happy family as life should be. The world we live in does not make life easy but with your strength and support you will make it through. Also know that depression never fully goes away but we need to learn to take control of or life and make it what we want it to be. Love, hugs and prayers to you all.
christie says
Wow, tears for your story, Dawn! Prayers for healing in your own family as well
ellen beck says
Your story is the story of so many. And youre not alone. Oftentimes, the Holidays are the very worst.
I am not a blogger, but can only imagine how hard it could be. I see so many fakes, or unless they are so extremely blessed they dont realize it.
I hope you find your path, and find happiness and find yourself again.
christie says
Thanks so much for the encouragement, Ellen