What Depression Really Looks Like
Photo by Ella Lu Photography
A picture is worth a 1,000 words – is it really? This picture was taken just a few weeks ago. It is full of words – confidence, happiness, hope. But if you look closer, you’d realize that this picture is full of lies. I am sick, really sick.
I’m depressed. There, I said it.
I have been battling with depression for a few months, and to be honest I feel at the end of my “mental” rope. With the holidays here, the painful reminders of this world only seem to focus, hone and exponentially grow my deep feelings of sadness. I can’t shake it. I am fearfully hitting publish today – exposing my true self to the world. Depression is NOT what you think it is. It can look completely – normal.
Writing is my therapy. I’ve always been told that I have a way with words…that is when I write them down. But why should Christie be writing about depression? I have everything going for me. A beautiful and healthy family, a successful small business, blessings a-bounding – I should be at the prime of my life. And yet I can’t help it. I’m in a downward spiral of depression. Hiding behind the mask of the internet – a blogger, mom, daughter, friend. I am not what I appear to be. What does my depression “look” like? A hot mess of twisted emotions.
A Happy Face
The world of social media can easily portray the life you want to show. I can quickly take a picture that looks like a woman that is happy with herself, her life, and her world. And as soon as the button is clicked, my mood can instantly shift.
I am a liar.
The happy life that’s portrayed on social media? It’s only a small snapshot what I want the world to see. I don’t post the pictures of me lying in bed in the fetal position, too scared to move. I don’t post the video of me crying for hours. I don’t Boomerang the latest fight I had with my husband, that I instigated. I close the doors on what my “real life” looks like. So I open a small window into what “could be” a normal mom and her busy yet amazing life. Because no one wants to see a sad life.
A Shy, Quiet Personality
It’s easy to hide your secrets, your fears, and your overwhelming feeling of sadness behind a facade of a timid personality. I tend to blend into the background. I HATE being the center of attention. I struggle with pictures of myself on the internet (ironic, huh?), talking about myself or even being in a crowded room. Strangers intimidate me. Events give me anxiety. And I always have to pep talk myself before stepping out in public. But online, I’m full of energy. I have followers – people that look forward to my posts of silly kids and real mom-life moments. It’s a perception of confidence, humor, and a light-hearted look at life that people crave.
I am afraid.
I’ve been hurt this year – so much so that I have closed myself off from the world. A few friendships have ended this year. And at age 30-something, I find it so difficult to make “new” friends. Maybe it’s because now I’m an adult – with too many expectations, too many desires for a friendship that doesn’t have strings attached or a hidden agenda. Maybe I’m just a terrible friend. But at this point, I don’t even have a desire to try. I don’t want the world to get to know me – I don’t want to open my heart and my life to someone new, only to have it crushed yet again. Keep everyone at arm’s length. Give off the impression that things are great. Nod, smile, converse about the weather, and brief hugs of assurance that I am OK. Then turn around and leave.
A Good Mom
“You’re a good mom.” I have good kids. They’re beautiful, kind, loving and I love being their mom. What you don’t see? How short my temper is with my kids. I’m yelling more – and for no apparent reason. I’m crying often – overwhelmed with my “usual” mom duties. My house is a mess – more than expected. My organized, multi-tasking, stay-at-home mom self is crumbling under the weight of sports and clubs and dance and carpooling. Depression has a way of seeping into everyday life, making everything a struggle – like showering and brushing my teeth.
I am a failure.
I had a miscarriage this year. I didn’t tell many people, mostly because of how ashamed I felt as a mom – the person who is supposed to love, protect and cherish their children with all of their heart and might. I let this child down. I failed as a parent. And now, the child that I didn’t even realize that I had wanted so desperately, is gone. A good mom? I feel nothing but a deep sadness as a mom who will never be what I should have been to this one beautiful child.
A Successful Businesswoman
I’m my own boss. I make my own hours. I’ve built my blog from the ground up. I’m on track for the most profitable year ever. I’ve traveled the country. I’ve met celebrities, world-changers, inspiring people. I’ve been involved with some crazy campaigns – putting my face (even my butt) at the forefront – pushing myself out of my comfort zone, reaching goals and setting higher ones.
I am alone.
I’m so stressed and overworked – but yet I find myself burying my head deeper into my blog. I can do more. I can be more. I can find success and happiness and love – if I just push myself harder. I can forget this world and the terrible pains that I feel if I just focus more. I am a work-aholic to the core, trying to stay busy so as to push the feeling of loneliness away. But hiding behind a thriving blog only covers the harsh truth – goals are nothing without people to share them with.
A Beautiful, Healthy, Happy Family
Remember that alone thing? That spills over into family life too. I thrive on hard work – so much so that it’s at the sacrifice of my family. I push them away – turning down snuggles, movie nights and family memories in favor of to-do lists. Why pour emotion, communication and love when I can deal with cold emails, calculated responses and a hidden mask of the internet. I don’t have feel. I just have to focus.
I have a broken home.
My husband worries about me all of the time – so much so that his own health is deteriorating. My kids see me cry – too often, not knowing how to react. I’m yelling one moment, sobbing on the floor the next. A constant war going on in my head – emotions spiraling out of control. Fearful of what damage I’m doing to the people I love the most, I shut myself out from them, telling myself that it’s safer for them not to be around me. I won’t hurt them that way. I’ve spent so much time away from the people I love, that it feels like I’ve forgotten how to just be with them. That portrait of a loving family? I miss it.
A Confident Woman
Head held high. The latest style. Blow dried hair. Makeup on. Don’t forget that selfie smile. Blogger life – yup. I have a confident look for every occasion. No matter what costume I wear, it will never give me enough confidence.
My faith has been shaken.
I am no longer the strong, faithful woman that my friends rely on. I’m seeking God and faith and answers – no longer giving off the impression that I have any of those things. I’m pouring into books, fervently praying, and asking God “why?” I am anxiously waiting for whatever this next chapter of my life will be. Will there be a happily ever after? I know that I am loved, yet I question the conditions. I know that heaven exists, but I question if I’ll ever be able to get there. I know that Jesus is my Savior, but can He save me from myself? “What is Your plan for me?!” My prayers are so angry, so desperate.
Before You Shake Your Judgemental Fingers at Me…
Let me say this right now. I didn’t write this post hoping for answers. I didn’t write this hoping for your pity. But for those out there this holiday season struggling with the same things I am, I want YOU to know that you are not alone. Depression is 100% real – it’s a debilitating illness that holds you prisoner – and it seems to be so much more suffocating during the holidays. And while I may have my back up against the wall, I’m also holding your hand. I know that what you’re going through is unbearable at times – the sadness wreaking havoc on your soul. You wonder if you can ever get out – if you can ever be the person you were. But I want you to know that I love you – just as you are. We are all broken people. It’s just that today there are more pieces scattered than usual.
The point? Depression can look like ANYTHING. We give off the perception that we want the world to see, even if it feels hopeless inside. I don’t have the answers. I know that I need to change, but feel paralyzed at times. I know that I need help, but I have trouble asking for it. I know I have demons, but I don’t know how to fight them. I know that I need to be in the world, but I have trouble taking the steps. I’m afraid of what hitting publish on this blog post will do from this day forward. But I did it. Therapy? Yes. Life-changing? Hopefully. Either way, it’s a step forward.
Please, I beg you all to be more aware of those struggling this holiday season. Depression may be right under your nose, and you don’t even realize it. Listen. Be there. Love.
If you’re depressed today, please know that I am with you. I feel you. I understand you. You are NOT alone.
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Shauna Trela says
I’m new to your blog but this post hit me hard and real! Thank you! It is all me…ALL ME! Well except successful blogger. You hit all points head on. I’m speechless. Just, Thank you.
christie says
Thank you, Shauna, for coming over and reading! I hope this is a lasting relationship 🙂
Amy Wilson says
Good morning! I stumbled across your candid article and feel I have been given a gift! Thank you for eloquently articulating your experience in a way that I can completely identify with. I have been navigating the treacherous waters of depression as a wife and mother then as an ex-wife, single mom, working mom for the past 15 years. Depression doesn’t care if you’re wading in the shallow water or fighting to keep your head above water in the deep water. Living with depression is akin to awaiting a tidal wave to crash over your life. I have been in the worst depression I can recall. I feel inadequate in all roles of my life and feel I am a failure to my children and those than love me. However, some of my anxiety has lessened because your article has assured me I am not alone and knowing we are all holding hands in our battle with depression truly gives me hope and peace. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Sincerely, Amy
christie says
Hope you can find your way through this wave, Amy. Thank you for reading and understanding and being there with me
Terra Heck says
Yes, yes, and yes to all of this! I was diagnosed with depression a little over 15 years ago and was in the psych ward for three weeks (average stay is 5 days). I was on meds for about a year, then returned back to “normal”. In April of this year, my mother passed away and my life fell apart. Again diagnosed with depression, I was put on meds. I go back to the dr. on January 3rd and am hoping to get different meds. I took myself off the ones I was on (Lexapro) because I feel like they made me more irritable and depressed. I don’t know if they’re out of my system yet or not. I’m terrified if I’m going to go back to being depressed or not. I’ve posted about my moods and depression briefly on my blog. It could just be me but I often feel like I’m alone in it and that no one cares. I sincerely hope you’re going to get help (whether it be meds or counseling or support groups). You matter and are worth a lot to God. After all, God didn’t make no junk! I’ll keep you in my prayers.
christie says
Thank you, Terra. Hoping that you find peace and balance with your depression as well.
Elisabeth Pickle says
I so enjoying reading blogs written by real people. And you my dear, are real and beautiful. Thank you for writing this. I have struggled with depression my entire life. As an attorney, I’ve always blamed my profession for the depression. Now I am not so sure. Trying to move away from law and find a new career in wellness and nutrition. I also lost a pregnancy and suffered tremendously from it. Do you attend a support group? I’ve thought I should at times. Keep on fighting the good fight.
P.S. Would absolutely love to be your friend! 🙂
christie says
Thank you, Elizabeth! I think it’s easy to project depression onto your work. I hope you find your path in a new career.
Zinzan says
You articulate what I feel and have felt all my life. My problem is, wherever I go, there I am. There’s no escape from self.
christie says
Zinzan, we can definitely be our own worst enemies. Acceptance and love for self is so important
Sue E says
What you shared took a lot of courage! I’ve heard of so many people suffering from this awful disease!!
My own 16 year old granddaughter was in Lauries Children Hospital for 5 months, because of depression. She tried to kill herself! Her dad suffered from depression, which caused him to spiral down and do some weird things. Well someone made an attempt to end his life, but he was a strong young man and God gave him another chance at life! We thought that everything was going great. His health was back and he and our daughter just had their third baby and another attempt was made on his life! This time he slipped into a coma and died a year later. His youngest child was only four months old when he was put in a coma. She doesn’t remember him at all! But her sister remembers both attempts and her dad dying! She had a lot of anger towards him and his dying and leaving them alone! That the depression really took its toll on her! She is so sweet and takes everything to heart! She is better and on meds. Plus she was going through her “womanhood” stage, where every thing is emotional to her! Her doctor told her that she should think of her mom and her siblings also! That her mom might really lose it losing a husband and a daughter! She wouldn’t want to cause her mom anymore pain! Plus I didn’t help matters by finding out that I had cancer and might not make it! Our prayer warriors at church, were wonderful too! God heard all of the prayers and through His Grace, we are taking things one day at a time!
I’ve had two miscarriages! One was with my very first pregnancy & it was really bad! I had to be admitted into the hospital, because I was hemorrhaging and I needed a blood transfusion and a DNC. The doctors told me that I may not have any children! Talk about depressed! I was really young & my hormones were going amok & didn’t know how to deal with this! I too tried to figure out what I did wrong! My brain was telling me that I probably should not try to have any children period! That I was not worthy! So I do sympathize with everything that you are feeling and going through!! My heart aches for you!!! Don’t shut yourself off from friends and family support!! Holding it in does not help either!
Prayers and church helped me!! And PLEASE know that you did nothing wrong!! Sometimes that’s natures way of taking care you! We have to remember the blessings that He has already given us! I’m looking at the pictures of your children and thinking of how healthy, happy and beautiful they are!! Plus you have a girl and a boy! I always wanted a son, but it wasn’t meant to be, but I have four grandsons that I love to pieces! I am adding you to my prayer list! You would make a great advocate for fighting depression and making this a thing of the past!! We’ve got to be good examples/leaders for our daughters and granddaughters!! We would never tell them that their miscarriages were their faults or to give up – NEVER!! So let’s put the blame where all of this crap belongs to – on the devil! Let us not let him win or steal our happiness!! After 15 years, my cancer is coming back, but I am grateful for the extra years that He given me and just go from there! We all have to die! We just don’t know when! Please hang in there! Smile! There are people who care about you! Don’t let the depression win!! ??❤️
Rosie says
I have a relative with clinical depression. He is an adult with a great job, a phd, etc. His mom is a phd psych and did help him get counseling, which has helped him navigate. You would not know by outward appearances. It takes guts to share, and I thank you for doing that because the more awareness there is, the better people will see that it can be anyone. I’m sorry about your miscarriage.
Dorothy Boucher says
I am so glad I took the time to read this, because its so much like my story, I hate it and I know it creeps ups on me, I fight it with trusting my father Jesus, by constantly praying, reading the Bible, and meditating now, It may sound silly but working out even 15 minutes a day has been a little more help for me. There is so much I could say to this post you wrote but I will be writing on my own blog shortly. I do want to say this, you are not alone, and don’t ever think so. KNOW its ok to Love yourself. and know your Father Jesus has not left you, trust in him , and trust in yourself.. hugs to you and anyone out there facing any type of depression..
@tisonlyme143
Karen says
Thanks for sharing your story with us! I suffer from depression as well. I hide a lot inside and never show my true feelings so I can relate to your story. I had Five miscarriages in my life and was never able to carry and that is a lot of why I stay depressed on top of losing my Dad over 10 years ago. I have to remind myself daily that God Loves me and wants me to be happy. Some days are harder than others but I get up,get dressed and face what ever is in front of me. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I have been to several twitter parties you have been at, and your beautiful inside and out. Keep strong and your head held high. Much Love and prayers
Sally says
Wow, this is so raw and honest. Thank you for sharing and helping others realize that behind those social media pics are real people -hurting. Blogging is such a lonely business and it can leave us little precious time to connect with live people -which is essential in getting us through our darkest hours. Take all the warm hugs you can get. Wishing you warm thoughts and lots of love.
Renee Smith says
Thank you for sharing this. I too struggle with depression. It’s so exhausting trying to pretend everything is fine all the time. I’ve posted pictures and think to myself what a liar I am too. I refer to myself as “the great pretender.”
Naomi Wafula says
You’ve just explained me currently. I didn’t even think it being close to depression. I concluded it as stress. Thank you for this eye opener. Maybe I should look for help. Thanks.
tiffany c says
Such a great post, it’s so relatable. Thanks for sharing