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I’m Grieving Kindergarten, Now What Do I Do?

August 13, 2018Written by Christie | 6 Comments | Family

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Watching my youngest child leave for school today brought on a mess of emotions. I’m Grieving Kindergarten, Now What Do I Do?

Grieving kindergarten

I’m Grieving Kindergarten, Now What Do I Do?

I lost my job today, and I’m heartbroken.

My job, my identity, my mission, my purpose, my very familiar and comfortable routine, all gone in an instant. After almost 10-years of being a mom, I’ve lost my sense of self. My youngest child just left for kindergarten today, and I can’t cope. The emotions are so unbearable at times – I’m scolding, laughing and crying all at the same time. I’m grieving kindergarten.

Now what do I do?

Youngest child starts kindergarten

The Grief Anticipation

I saw it coming. The grief anticipation is so much worse than the surprise. The moment this summer hit me, I knew that the days were counting down. I’d hold my baby a little tighter. I’d lay in bed with her for one last snuggle. I’d give her that extra chocolate. Spoiled – absolutely. I don’t regret that.

Then last night we read “Twas the Night Before Kindergarten.” I could feel my throat tighten. I choked up. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I actually watched her sleep and prayed that she would wake up and need me to comfort her. But she didn’t. Then like a blanket, a wave of depression came over me. BAM – grief.

Kindergarten empty nest

Kindergarten Empty Nest Syndrome

Maybe it’s the constant reminder that I’m getting older, that my kids are growing up, becoming more independent, and don’t “need” their mom like they once did. Maybe it’s a glimpse into my future, the years when the real empty nest sets in. The world is preparing me for harder times ahead. Some folks call it a phase, a transition, a stage (to try and soften the blow ) – but now I finally get why people have a midlife crisis.

It’s too much change at one time. It’s so much heartache. It’s knowing that the world I once knew now needs a new definition. And I don’t know where to start. I don’t know if I can pick up the pieces. I don’t know if I want to.

Kindergarten mom sadness

When I Can’t Put on the Big Girl Pants

I’m kicking myself for all of the times when I yelled at my kids to be quiet. Now my house is quiet, too quiet. I feel guilty for all of the times I scolded them to NOT jump on the couch. Oh how I wish I could take it all back. Just one more hug, one more laugh, one more moment to have these kids in my arms and at home with me.

So as I sit here in my yoga pants, my Netflix, my chocolate and a heaping pile of tissues, I grieve those memories. They’re streaming down my face.

Kindergarten goodbye

The Kindergarten Mom Bucket List

Remember that roller coaster of emotions? Well, at least I’ve still got a sense of humor buried in there. I started to make a list – a crazy list. Of all of the things I’ve wanted to do as a mom, but never got to do. Maybe it will help in my grief. Maybe it will help yours. Maybe you can help me add to this list and we can laugh and cry together.

  • Finally lose the baby weight
  • Find a new primary care doctor
  • Learn to finally apply makeup properly
  • And seek out that elusive perfect shade of red lipstick
  • YouTube a hairdo tutorial
  • Color my hair for the first time
  • Move – as in time for a new house
  • Train for that half marathon
  • Print and hang family pictures
  • Finally organize that closet
  • Go to Disney by myself
  • Get a new devotional
  • Reread the Harry Potter series
  • Take a photography class (would you believe I’ve never taken one?), an art class, & a cooking class
  • Have lunch with friends
  • Lay on the beach, alone
  • Take a bubble bath (but clean the tub first)
  • Volunteer and give back
  • Update my resume and apply for that dream job, even if I don’t get it
  • Take a nap, a long no-guilt one
  • Buy that one perfect dress – even if it takes hours to find

It’s not perfect, but it’s a start. Somewhere deep down, there’s hope, dreams, and laughter too.

Kindergarten woes

Dear Parents of Kindergarten Babies

I’m not sure how long that I’ll stay here in this moment. But for now, I’m not leaving. I’m grieving kindergarten. So give me time to mourn this moment, whether it’s a few days or a few weeks. But don’t let me stay here too long. I need you to pull me back. I need to redefine me, my mission and my purpose in life – something beyond “Mom.”

Whether you’re calling it a phase, transition, life change – whatever – feel the feelings. Grieve this moment. Be a mess. I’ll even hold your hand and pass the box of tissues. And don’t try to minimize it. But don’t stay here too long. The world needs you. We need you. Redefine your life. Find purpose, mission and meaning. And come back.

Youngest starts kindergarten

Were you grieving kindergarten? How did you handle this life changing moment?

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Grieve kindergarten

about christie

About Christie

I’m Christie, Korean mom to 2 biracial “whasians.” A Florida gal who loves crafts, travel & any excuse to eat! Read more...

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168 shares
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Comments

  1. Katie says

    November 4, 2020 at 7:50 pm

    I just found this after googling “kindergarten empty nest”. I’m SUFFERING. My last of 3 children started school 9 weeks ago and just like that, 12 years as a stay at home mom is over. With the pandemic, it’s been even harder. She didn’t get to finish preschool. So sweet little graduation. No closure. I’m actually grieving as hard as I did 10 years ago when my best friend died. This is terrible. I’m seeing a therapist but please please, tell me this gets better!

    Reply
    • christie says

      November 6, 2020 at 8:07 am

      Oh Katie, it does. But the year of kindergarten was a very hard reality for me. I realized how much I relied on my kids to define who I was. But the personal growth journey for you will be worth it.

  2. Cindy Lycans says

    March 25, 2022 at 12:15 am

    I am THERE, already. Our youngest just turned 5 today and oddly enough it was the same day as kindergarten registration. So, she went to preschool in AM and did that in the eve (with dinner/cake and presents in between of course). I didn’t see it coming. I had to have my husband take her to preschool this morning bc I was a total mess. Putting her to bed tonight was even worse…she wanted her 8 yo brother to sleep with her and they both looked like angles and I just felt it ALL. My heart exploding with gratitude and love for these 2, just in awe of who they’ve become in just a few short years, and realizing our oldest was almost halfway out of the nest already….then realizing that in the fall my house will be very very quiet on those days I don’t work (right now 3 days per week). I now feel differently about being kind of torn/almost frustrated that I couldn’t have a block of focus work time here and there when she was off preschool those days. I wish I could go back and change my perspective at times. That said, we still had some amazing “girls days” where we stayed in our pjs til noon, painted nails, and watched Disney. I balanced the best I knew how, and I think she knows that. But yes, it’s realizing we’re entering a new season of parenting, and the house will be quiet during the school days, and soon they’ll want to be with their friends more after school (our oldest is already there). I want to push pause. And I now understand what my parents went through, and it makes me cherish them even more. This summer we’re pulling out all the stops to make more memories. We don’t have to break the bank, but it’ll be great bc we will be fully present (at least when we aren’t working), but also work on that independence for both of us, so that transition isn’t so tough, and we know that at 4:00 when that bus drops off, we will have lots to talk about! Much love to you all, as this is a tough tough spot I certainly didn’t anticipate struggling with, but here I am. The bucket list certainly helps! I’m planning to use that time to continue building my business I started right before COVID, with the focus of maximizing my time in both camps.

    Reply
  3. Erin says

    August 25, 2022 at 4:59 pm

    Please tell me this gets better. My youngest started school yesterday for the first time, and I am a mess. I can barely go 15 minutes without something causing me to break down. I feel like I’m losing my kids or something, even though, I see them every morning and again every afternoon.

    I can’t eat, I can barely sleep, and I feel crazy, but this pit in my stomach just keeps growing.

    Reply
    • christie says

      August 26, 2022 at 9:56 am

      It does. Just like grief you will find new things to fill up your time until your sweet kids come home. Enjoy this pocket of motherhood where you can finally put yourself first

  4. Sarah says

    August 14, 2023 at 11:50 pm

    Thanks so much for this article – it helps to know I’m not the only one! My mom and two sisters all said they loved it when their youngest finally went to school. Mine is starting in two days and I’m a wreck. Being a stay at home mom with them has been such a joy and I would have gladly done it forever. I love the idea of a to do list and I’ve also put exercise, a haircut, doing my nails and buying some new clothes and makeup, taking a music class, playing an instrument and joining a cycling group. But I’m sure there will be tears first!

    Reply

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I’m Christie, Korean mom to 2 biracial “whasians.” Florida gal who loves movies, crafts, travel & any excuse to eat! Email me at raisingwhasians@gmail.com

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